health
March 15, 2026
My life collapsed when my husband had an affair. How can I recover?
It’s OK to be angry at your husband – the shame isn’t yours to carry
TL;DR
- A woman's sense of self and world collapsed after discovering her husband of 30 years had a year-long affair.
- She experiences intense shame and self-blame, to the point of being unable to focus on anything else.
- Psychologist Alessandra Lemma notes the catastrophic loss feels like a total breakdown of her inner and external world, with a striking absence of anger towards her husband and a strong presence of self-directed shame.
- Lemma suggests this focus on shame might be a coping mechanism, potentially unearthing previous unacknowledged pain or trauma.
- Advice encourages stepping back to view the entire relationship, identifying what was good, and considering future desires, rather than solely focusing on the betrayal.
- The shame is not the wife's to carry, and she is encouraged to share her 'awful thoughts' with someone she trusts and begin talking about what happened.
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