health
February 9, 2026
The body language mistake that makes you look 'closed off'—how to do it right: Stanford expert
Matt Abrahams is a nonverbal communication lecture at Stanford University. He shares the biggest body language mistake that makes you look closed off and defensive to the opposite person. Here's what to do instead.
TL;DR
- Mirroring body language aims to build rapport by subtly copying another person's movements.
- A common mistake is mirroring neutral or comfortable gestures that are perceived as distant or hostile by the observer, such as crossed arms.
- When both parties mirror defensive gestures, it creates a visual loop of defensiveness rather than connection.
- The 'Visual Check' involves asking if the mirrored gesture visually reads as closed or defensive.
- If a mirrored gesture seems defensive, break the mirror, reset to an open posture (e.g., uncross arms, relax shoulders, place hands visibly), and invite the other person to follow.
- Nonverbal communication acts as the 'music' of interaction; defensive body language can make people stop listening to the 'lyrics' or words spoken.
- Intentional communication requires moving beyond simple mimicry and avoiding gestures that undermine warmth and presence.
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